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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
gentlemen, hear me out
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share