My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Need WebMD
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
nobody’s gonna understand
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks