me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”