I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.