Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..