Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.