Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
your honor my client chooses dare
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.