Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
LMAO.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.