This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
⛄️
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Every work meeting this week
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Alexa: *deep breath*
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’