My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*gets down on one knee*
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.