Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*