I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.