[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
new shirt idea
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks