*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]