Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You Might Also Like
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS