Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
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Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
and now we wait
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*