My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
thinking about a very short hotdog
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.