Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
new record!
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”