Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.