We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.