Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.