Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
You Might Also Like
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.