I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Big Sex has us all fooled
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.