I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
But is it really??
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.