I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Story of my life…..
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?