On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!