8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.