Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.