“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: