My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!