My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
When I snag the last meatball.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
So, can we agree on 4 or
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻‍♀️
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie