employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
You Might Also Like
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Lmaoo 😂
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.