date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.