I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]