three things we don’t talk about
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
dream blunt rotation
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.