BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die