[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
and this one
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Muppet Screams
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I came this close!!!!
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*