I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
You Might Also Like
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
What
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.