“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.