If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”