Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I have never related to anyone more.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.