My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
You Might Also Like
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know