In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating