Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Nomnomnomnom
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.