Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.