If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you鈥檒l hint for a Rolex all year & she鈥檒l turn up with a jar that鈥檚 filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who鈥檚 there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn鈥檛 even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
God: you鈥檙e a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can鈥檛 fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that鈥檚 fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that鈥檚 not flying lol.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.