My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough