I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
You Might Also Like
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Bruh PLEASE
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*limbos away from your hug*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.