People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
he was correct
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc