Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Digital security in Ancient Troy
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account